Up!

Despite another night of raving insomnia I'm actually amazed at the postive vibes today.  Fred is never really out of my thoughts but it's a day of acceptance that occasionally comes along and tempers the storm a little.   He is gone, it's unfair and tragic but I understand what happened and it can't be changed.  Another day won't feel as rational.  The oozy raw wound has got a temporary bandage.

We went to the eye hospital this morning and Tils was put through her paces.  Whilst I'm obviously displeased she has a wonky eye, I do get amusement from watching her earnestly doing tasks to test her sight and squint, and be delighted with herself when she earns a sticker.  She makes me feel so proud of her for her unrelenting lust for life.  She takes it all on, with passion, I love her so much.  I then get home to Sam and he's tidied the lounge and he's made me a cup of tea.  Is it selfish to want more than this? Probably.  If I'd never have mistakenly got pregnant with Freds I would be more retiscent.  I desperately wanted a third child, but I could see life functioning as it was.  It clunked along with a degree of longing but never gnawing into my core like a septic injury.   Now, I see the beauty in my two but feel all of that pain, for me, for them.  It ought to feel selfish to want more but it doesn't.

I'm crashing around like the proverbial bull in my head - stomping rather than mulling over the future.  Do I leave my family here, 3 children but only 2 of them with us and be grateful but desperately sad and confused. Or do I take a gamble, do I follow what feels absolutely right but terrifying.  I want my boy so much but I also want a happy ending and without gambling it may never feel like I have closure.   There is no telling what will happen, lighting can strike twice but then this is no different to any time before, only this time I have figures, I have knowledge.  And at least this knowledge means I have more weaponry to combat the dangers.  I want some hope for us all, a little rainbow as it were (cringe) to dilute the sadness.