Rollercoaster

There are far too many fragments and dimensions of today to know how to summarise but one minute I'm coping,  the next I'm just clinging on by my finger nails wondering why my family and I are having to suffer this.  I repeatedly have to ask myself ' but why anyone? '  nobody deserves such pain do they?  But then has anyone had to endure some of the shit I have already had to endure?  I had half an hour of feeling deeply aggrieved, then spent another half an hour feeling grateful for the things I have.  And for meeting my son.  I've also been feeling really sad hearing other people's stories,  so much sadness,  if only I could make it stop.

I am really bored of my own self pitying.  I'm also bored of the being told I'll never get over this.  I want to rewrite this ' honest ' approach to bereavement support.  I don't need to be told that my pain will be the same in 20 years time.  What I'm starting to hear in many other bereaved mothers is that we need to know there is light,  that things aren't permanently painful and that laughing isn't something which disappears off the radar.  We don't need telling that we'll never get over it,  we inherently know this - but the meaning gets tangled.  I think the pain can ease,  I have to believe it will,  and I think I will get over the shock and horror,  the flashbacks and much of the guilt.  However I'll never get over my son because I love him.  That's much easier to deal with when broken down.    My Aunt once said to me about raising children 'all you can do is love them '.  That applies to the ones you can't raise too.