6 weeks

So here we are,  nearly 6 weeks from losing you.  I'm still in shock,  I can't believe I won't ever see you again.  Why should a mother be deprived of seeing her baby live and flourish,  why were you denied the chance to do that.  I go over and over in my head our last hours of health together.  Your tiny feet.  God I miss your feet in my tummy.   We were so nearly there.  If I had gone to the hospital sooner I'd be snuggling with you right now.  You'd be smiling at me.  6 weeks.  Not even those who have walked this path can feel my pain.  Nobody felt my love - I hope in some tiny way you did,  because my love for you Fred is overwhelming.  I don't know whether it would ever have been realised as it is right now.  My love for your brother and sister is more realised these days,  I'm just struggling to show it when I'm drowning in you.  But darling boy if you knew my love as it is right now surely it would be enough to fix everything - to fix you.  I would take all your pain and suffering and absorb it for you - make it all go away.  To not be able to do that is to feel dead inside.  I feel I am nothing without you.  I am a clock with one of the hands missing - a car with only three wheels.  At first glance, from certain angles perhaps I look the same,  but I no longer function.   How can a mother breathe without her lifeline,  her bloodline.