At the end of the day

At the end of the day,  you aren't here.  It's been a strange day today - Dada was saying how grief saps your energy,  we've all been so lethargic.  It took us a while to do anything this morning.  I watched the Australian Open final, I flitted in and out of my different lives.

Sometimes Fred I forget that you aren't in my tummy,  other times I'm half shut down anyway and don't really acknowledge ' life ' as such,  I guess like I'm on autopilot,  and then the rest of the time I'm fighting the intense grief of losing you - and I'm haunted by the manner in which we all suffered,  you most of all.  Anyway,  I watched the tennis in a schizophrenic fashion and then we decided to come and see you at Sun Rising.  Only my poor addled brain had forgotten your Grandads birthday so we had to go to the shops first.  Your big brother and I fell out a LOT today, I guess we're all trying to find our new places in our new world.  It's not easy and your big brother is a teenager so we'll forgive him yeah?  You would've forgiven him anything I'm sure.  I imagine you as a toddler,  with a mop of white blond hair scooting around following Sam and Tils with wide eyed admiration.

So, we got Grandad a present and then came to see you.  I wanted to say sorry to you for not staying long,  the weather was waiting for us.  Snow!  Was that you causing mischief?  Silly Mama didn't have a scarf or gloves and it was bitter.  I hope you heard me over the wind when I whispered to you to fly over the clouds to Northend if you are lonely.  We are always here waiting.  Dada felt upset it was cold,  it's so hard for us to not be able to keep you warm and safe in our arms you see.   I'm sorry the flowers weren't from the garden,  I broke my own rule already. Tomorrow I'm coming back with a few more hyacinths that are growing in a tub in the kitchen. I need to share it all with you, what's here. Shop-bought flowers bear no history or meaning.  I've just remembered you are lying in rosemary from the garden and it made me smile.

Then we came came home and Dada and I lay together for a while missing you and missing you some more.  Then life and it's many chores take over and we're back on autopilot again.  It's a double edged sword - it helps us to get through the days but it gets in the way of thinking about you - we will learn to balance this,  to be able to think of you whilst functioning.  At the moment we just can't accept the events of 5 weeks ago.

 I need sleep again,  missing you is exhausting.  I'll come and see you tomorrow with Grandma,  Grandad and Tils.  Until then my sweet sweet boy xxx