Longer than with you

Freddie, you were born thirty-four weeks ago.  In two weeks time we shall be on the cusp.  We will have been apart longer than we were together and infact already we are apart longer than I knew we were together - complex and difficult as that is.    I feel mixed up about this.  There are moments when I'm glad the passage of time has happened - I'm grateful for the element of new normality that has rebalanced my family, but then caught up in the torture of what should have been.  This morning I cried for a while thinking of the children you'll never have,  I mourned that for you - your entitlement to the richness of life.

The thirty-six weeks of pregnancy with you were fraught.  I convinced myself something terrible would happen and spent a rather embarrassing amount of time going to and from the doctors and fretting about mortality.  These days I have a rather philosophical outlook on our time - I'm a worrier - what happened was an awful coincidence.   I didn't cause nor predict your untimely death, I merely worried because I love you.  And now at the dawn of a new journey I have to recognise this trait within myself and surrender as such to fate.  I can be the best that I can be, I can protect your brother and sister to the best of my abilities and whatever else happens I accept that life is frequently unkind and unfair.  Freddie please don't take this to mean that you have taught me to give myself up to the Gods and accept cruel fate; in fact you have taught me to savour both good and bad.   Surrendering to sadness is as important as immersing myself in laughter from the belly.  Emotions these days are clear,  better understood and much easier to allow - I am in far less conflict.

And so worry not little one, our physical time together was shorter but your legacy is my lifetime and I teach your brother and sister your lessons.  I will never forget the desperation I felt to be with you, knowing what little time we would have.  When we united you gave me as much as you possibly could and I bow to you always for giving me the greatest gift of your company for those twelve hours.   I miss you endlessly.  You are my courageous little lion forever.