Studied your slumbering philtrum
In which you carry your Daddy's genes
Your peachy skin and clenched up fists
We've studied you so very well that
You are imprinted behind our sad eyes.
I've carried you within me for a double gestation
And kept you alive within my soul
On my ascent each night I walk past you
And every time ache for the yesterday and tomorrow missing within us.
I swam furiously until I realised
I wasn't going to drown
And you took me to another place where you gently made me submit to your absence
I finally found some peace in our deepest grief and gave up struggling to mend..
For whatever I do my heart always wakes up full for you, despite the journey of before.
And when I light a candle for your big day
I will hold you close
And tell you that you have taught me my true self
Imperfect, sad, happy, self centred but full of endless love, newfound patience and acceptance.
My heart is fractured for the loss of all the times I haven't got to teach you things too.
The pots and pans and wooden spoon you never got to bang,
The mushy rusk you didn't throw on the floor
And the first tooth I didn't go sleep starved over.
Your firsts have been my firsts
We have to create our own unique future.
#FJB
beautiful xxx
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